Jokes

Devspar_Zero

Cooperation

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach, "now go over there and explain it to your mother."

Bad Brakes

Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls.

"What happened this time?" he asked.

"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?"

"Where are you?" John asked.

"I'm in the drugstore," Jill responded.

"And where's the car?" John asked.

Jill replied, "It's in here with me."

Coffee?

Well here's a clever one...(sarcasm intended)

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........

"Hebrews"

TheWolf

HILARIOUS little onion!!!!

TheWolf

you are FUNNY yaya!!!
i know what you're saying on the capitalization thing :damn:- i'm just too damn lazy!!

TheWolf

ahhh .. marriage ... sad and funny at the same time ... XD

sk8er431

why being in jail for 20 years is good?

you get free food and no bills

chronofox

I have a joke, Might even be considered tasteless humor to some hehe...

There's a fly over a stream flying 6inches above the surface. In the stream there's a fish that notices the fly. The fish thinks that if that fly drops 3 inches he can jump up and eat the fly. On the riverside there's a bear that notices the fish. he thinks that when that fly drops 3inches and the fish jumps up to eat the fly he can catch and eat the fish. On the other side there's a hunter that notices the bear. he thinks when that fly drops 3inches and that fish jumps to eat the fly, the bear will catch and eat the fish and he can shoot and kill the bear for meat. There's a mouse that see's all this and notices that the hunter has a cheese sandwhich. He thinks that when that fly drops 3inches the fish eats the fly, the bear eats the fish and the hunter kills the bear for meat. he can go for the cheese sandwich. Now there's a cat that notices all these events are about to transpire so the cat rushes over to catch the mouse but the mouse dodges the cat, and the cat falls into the water.

What's the moral of the story?

If the fly drops 3inches the Pussy gets wet.

Roll of a snare drum Everyone laughs:thankyou: lol...

chronofox

Here's one a friend of mine told me.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, and Chuck Norris die and go to heaven. They see God sitting on his throne and beside him is an empty seat. God says to them "Only one of you can have this seat. Tell me why you believe you should have it." Arnold says "I believe that I deserve that seat because I have given back to the community by showing the importance of Physical Fitness." Sylvester says I believe that I deserve that seat because I have been a good Role Model by teaching people to stand up for themselves." Chuck Norris then goes over to God, looks at him and says

I believe.. You are sitting in my seat.

Yea, another Chuck Norris joke apparently. lol

vincent0410

i don't understand your post well. but, however, thank

Cebollita

Well, capitalization is of the utmost importance lest one be misunderstood or misread...a scandal, both.:o
Here's another one to tickle the old funny bone...:bravo:

THIS IS A NON PARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY All PARTIES!
NOT ONLY THAT-- it is POLITICALLY CORRECT â€“ and True!!

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.
'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened? '
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.. ...
Today you voted.'

Cebollita

Please, call me Yaya. All of my friends do...that is my much loved nickname since childhood. Anyway, I got your drift on marriage...no worries and well,
Here are two more...

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on
Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

And...
Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note
of the importance of correct grammar.
I have noticed that many who text messages & e-mail, have
forgotten the "art" of capitalization.
Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack
off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse. :bravo:

Cebollita

Well, I look at marriage as something to be held dear and worked at...always.
Now then, another joke!

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

A man comes into the ER and yells . . . '
My wife ' s going to have her baby in the cab. '
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady ' s dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,
San Francisco

2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient ' s anterior chest wall.
' Big breaths, ' . . . I instructed.
' Yes, they used to be, ' . . . replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
Seattle , WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a ' massive internal fart. '
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
During a patient's two week follow-up
appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
One of his medications.
'Which one? ' . .. . I asked. ' The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I ' m running out of places to put it! '
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair ,
Norfolk , VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, ' How long have you been bedridden? '
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive. '
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR
I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . . ' So how's your breakfast this morning? ' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.' . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
A foil packet labeled ' KY Jelly. '
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,
Detroit ,
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered . . . It was quickly determined that
the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read . . . ' Keep off the grass. '
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient ' s dressing,
which said ' Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn. '
Submitted by RN no name,

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
I'm sorry. Was I tickling you? '
She replied with tears running down
her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .
' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener . '
Dr. wouldn ' t submit his name....

1 MORE
Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed, ' she replied..
' Well, strip down to your waist, ' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is underweight. You don ' t have any milk. '
I know, ' she said, ' I ' m his Grandma,
But I'm glad I came.'

Cebollita

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black
leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,
(You'll love this)

"What's for dinner, Zorro?"